


Where Angels Breathe

by friendoftheearth



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Gen, M/M, Spiritual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 18:35:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6340714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/friendoftheearth/pseuds/friendoftheearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron has a life or death decision to make. <br/>Written in 2011</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where Angels Breathe

Where Angels Breathe

 

Jackson was never far from Aaron's thoughts, memories of him like treasure trove, he was constantly picking up one of the cherished gems. He would find himself drifting off, lulled into a happier time, lost in the past. He would lose time, wonder where it had gone, find he'd burnt his toast, that he'd left a tap running, that he'd made a careless mistake in work.

He'd burnt his toast again this morning. The smoke alarm had sounded bringing Paddy running in from the surgery, opening the window, wafting the offending smoke with a tea towel before throwing the burnt offerings in the bin, to then sit him down and make him some more.

He'd gone to work then, the morning passing in its usual blur. He'd made mistake after mistake, each job taking twice as long as it should. Cain usually so impatient, so intolerant letting it go without one word of reproach, at least he hadn't heard any. He could remember his uncle setting a steaming mug of tea in his hand at one point, then taking it from him what seemed like just seconds later, telling him he'd let it go cold! He'd been thinking about Jackson again.

He'd thought he'd heard the phone ringing, something was irritatingly breaking the silence surrounding him. Then he'd felt a hand on his shoulder, and a set of keys had appeared before his eyes while instructions were being spoken loudly in his ear. Cain wanted him to go on a breakdown, like a robot he obeyed, these days he just functioned, exactly like a soulless piece of intelligently wired metal.

He knew exactly where he was going, he had been there often enough, he knew the customer well, Toke Baines, an old man with an even older car that was always letting him down.

It was summer, the roads a lot busier now because of the holidaymakers, endless coaches and caravans making their way along the narrow country roads, roads their drivers were unfamiliar with, roads he knew like the back of his hand. So how had it happened?

Why, when he'd rounded a corner he knew to be treacherous, one he knew to slow right down before taking... hadn't he done so?

He hadn't been concentrating that's why, he'd been thinking about Jackson again, about how he'd done a job for old Toke, how one small job had somehow turned into half a dozen bigger jobs, and how he'd not charged him a single penny. He was soft that way, no not soft, kind hearted... 'Generous in mind and spirit' as Ashley had described him the day he'd been laid to rest.

Memories of that day usually turned on his tears, but he couldn't blame them for what happened, they weren't blinding him. No he'd just taken the corner too fast, way too fast, realising too late he was on the wrong side of the road. He'd had to swerve to avoid an oncoming car. That's when he'd lost all control, when his vehicle refused to cooperate and had plunged through a wall. Even though he'd braked the truck was still in motion, rolling over and over, his world turning faster than it ever had before. All he could think about was that Cain was going to kill him, that he wouldn't trust him to drive the truck again.

It was like he was on some fairground ride, a scary one but without the usual accompanying excitement or thrill. They never lasted long enough those rides, you never seemed to get your money's worth... well he was wishing this one would stop. He wasn't enjoying this one, he was starting to feel sick, to feel pain, to taste blood. Just like Jackson had to have felt when he'd lost control of his van. Jackson hadn't been concentrating either, and that had been his fault, just like this was all his fault now.

Then suddenly the world stopped spinning, the ride had come to an end. He wanted to get off, to feel the ground beneath his feet, but he couldn't move. Something was stopping him, something was holding him in place. The pain wasn't helping either; the least movement seemed to aggravate it and the light... what had happened to the daylight? Had he lost track of time again? The light seemed to be fading, a strange nothingness overpowering it. It was making him tired, suddenly the thing he wanted most in the world was to go to sleep, so he did.

It was dark where he was, but it was far from quiet. There were people talking, he knew they were talking to him, demanding things of him. Beyond their noise, in the distance he could hear sirens, and they were getting closer, help was on its way. He wasn't sure he needed or even wanted help, he felt alright, strangely calm, and that was an alien experience where he was concerned, and he found he liked it.

Yes, he liked it here in the darkness, he felt safe, knew nothing could hurt him here, physically or emotionally.

He was floating in the emptiness now, floating away from the voices, being carried along by some unknown force. Well let it take him where it will, he knew someone he loved was out there waiting for him.

/

Another hospital bed, again surrounded by tubes, wires and machines that bleeped endlessly. Paddy had been here before with Aaron, the boy had almost died that time and the same threat hovered over him now.

From eyewitness accounts, it had been a horrific crash, the truck taking down a stone wall before rolling and bouncing down a hill, coming to a shuddering halt in the stream at its base. Aaron had been unconscious when help had got to him, and in the three days since had remained so.

His injuries had been attended too, the broken bones set, the cuts either sutured or glued together. It was the head injury that was causing the concern, the scan had given the all clear but despite that he wasn't responding, he wasn't coming to, he wasn't coming back to them. The doctors weren't sure what was happening, why Aaron remained in a coma, but they said the brain, like the oceans of the world, was relatively unknown territory, they knew so little about its workings, not nearly enough. It might be that he just needed a bit more time, or that there was some undetected problem, and if that was the case it would most likely be something they were powerless to put right.

As a vet Paddy had some understanding of such injuries, he would normally think the same way a doctor did. But not this time, he sensed there was something more going on, that Aaron just didn't want to wake up.

/

There was a speck of light in the distance, that's where he was going, that's where he wanted to be. Aaron just wished it wasn't taking so long to get there. Why was it taking so long? There was a reason he just didn't know it yet.

The breeze that helped carry him along was so very gentle, just a wisp of delicately scented air, like he imagined Angels breath to be. If he tried he could imagine the flutter of their wings. He could imagine just about anything here in the darkness. He could see Jackson's face, see him smiling back at him. He wouldn't have to imagine him for much longer though. When he got to where he was going Jackson would be there, and he would be whole again, healed, as good as new! How did he know that? Now that he didn't know, he just did.

He'd thought this place, the soothing nothingness he found himself in, was empty, but it wasn't, it was full of things he couldn't see, didn't need to see, because he could sense them all around him, things like love and peace and truth.

One truth being that he was leaving sadness, tears and grief behind him and he didn't just mean his own. He tried not to think about that though, because when he did, he stopped moving, and he'd start drifting back in the direction he'd come. It seemed those tears had the power to take him back if he let them... he couldn't and wouldn't let them.

/

It had been four days now and still there was no improvement in Aaron's condition. In fact the doctors feared he was slowly slipping deeper into the coma. He was still breathing on his own but for how much longer? If his condition deteriorated he would be put on a life support machine... but the doctors would only be prepared to keep him on that for so long, then they would be asking them how they felt about switching it off? If they were ready to let Aaron go?

Something told Paddy that that time would actually come... well Aaron was just so stubborn!

How were they going to make such a heartbreaking decision?

Chas was in tears again, he could see them trickling down her pale cheeks. He was reminded of another mother's heartache, Hazel's. He'd agonized over whether to call her or not. In the end he had decided he should, but he hadn't been able to get hold of her. She was in the country someplace but where? An overwhelming restlessness gripped her now; she was continually searching for a peace that he knew she would never find. It was the price she was paying for helping Jackson end his life.

He had to wonder if the young man had realised just how much heartache he would be leaving behind him. It had brought Aaron to his knees, had almost broken him, but he, Chas, Aaron's family and friends, they hadn't been prepared to let it and had fought for him, and were slowly winning the battle or so they'd believed... only here he was slipping through their fingers again.

Paddy's gaze moved to the lad's uncle. Cain wasn't handling this well. He blamed himself. He kept saying he should never have sent Aaron on the breakdown, that he knew he couldn't concentrate on anything for long, that his mind was constantly straying to Jackson. But he'd thought it would do his nephew good to get away from the village, away from all reminders of his boyfriend, even if it was just for a couple of hours. Paddy could well understand that reasoning, and kept telling the younger man he wasn't to blame, that no one was.

Yesterday Chas had asked him if he thought it really had been an accident or if history was repeating itself. If Aaron had again tried to take his own life. The same thought had entered his head too, and as he'd sat at the young man's bedside he'd pondered over it. He'd come to the conclusion that it wasn't intentional, Aaron wouldn't endanger someone else's life in that way, and that his first attempt at suicide having failed he'd have chosen something that would guarantee success! No it was definitely an accident... but perhaps an opportune one as far as Aaron was concerned?

They kept talking to Aaron, hoping their words would reach him. And amid the everyday stuff, the endless chitchat about the weather, who had won the footy game, what was happening in the village, they kept on reminding him about how much they loved him, and nagged at him to wake up, to open his eyes.

What if he couldn't hear them? What if there was no reaching him? What if he just didn't want to be reached? He just couldn't shrug off the idea that this was Aaron's choice, that he could come back to them at anytime but he just didn't want to. That something else was drawing him, stealing him away from them.

/

The distant light looked a little bigger now, it seemed to be glowing brighter, he was definitely getting nearer to it. Aaron had sensed another truth, that the more he concentrated on it, the more he willed himself into the light, the brighter it seemed to get.

But it was proving difficult to concentrate on it at times, he would get distracted, he'd hear voices, faint, distant... almost as distant as the light itself. He recognised the voices and he would put a face to every one. He would try to imagine them smiling like he imagined Jackson smiling but he never could. The sadness in their voices wouldn't let him. He wished they wouldn't worry about him, they didn't need to, not anymore, he was alright here, he was safe.. and since coming here the unbearable ache in his heart had gone.

/

Aaron was on a life support machine now, during the night his breathing had become laboured, and the medical team had moved swiftly to try and stabilize his condition. It was nearly a week now since the accident and his condition was deteriorating daily.

The doctors had been open, painfully honest with them, and had offered them little hope but while there was still hope, the slightest chance Aaron would pull through, their resolve remained strong, and they willed their loved one back to them.

They stayed by his bedside, day in day out, refusing to leave him for long. They were all exhausted, physically and emotionally, surviving on catnaps, snacks and endless cups of tea. The nightmare just seemed to go on and on, it was torture of the worst kind and Paddy knew the agony was soon to intensify.

He'd finally managed to get in touch with Hazel and she'd got here just as soon as she could. The early days of her and Aaron's relationship had been strained, Aaron hadn't known what to make of her at first, and it had taken a little while for him to warm to her. But Jackson's accident and the difficult months following had brought them closer and then their part in the assisted suicide had seen them form a special bond. She was again heartbroken, emotionally in pieces, terrified she was about to lose another son. She kept telling Aaron that Jackson would want him to fight this, and that he had so many reasons to live, that he couldn't give up on life as cruel as it had been to him, that it could only get better. She kept promising him that it would, and that one day he'd look at what he'd done with his life and be able to say that Jackson would be proud of everything he'd achieved, of his strength, his courage. Like him Hazel seemed to sense what was really happening here, that Aaron wanted to be with Jackson, wherever he was now.

Chas hadn't liked Hazel being here, she'd never forgiven her for allowing Aaron to be involved in Jackson's death, for the unbearable burden it had placed on his shoulders. But Chas had held her tongue, knowing Aaron would defend Hazel's presence if he could, that he loved Hazel and would want her here.

Paddy had sat between the two women, trying to be strong for them, trying to be strong for Aaron, for the young man he saw and loved as his son. But it was so hard, especially when their tears would fall, he'd struggle to keep his in check at those times because he wanted to cry for his lost boy too.

It was a bit easier when other people were around, when family and friends sat with them, conversation would flow, and they were buoyed up by their support and their words, and Aaron's friends, especially Adam and Victoria always managed to somehow raise their spirits too.

He knew Aaron didn't know just how much he was loved, maybe if he did he'd want to stay with them.

/

Sometime earlier, Aaron had felt a strange fluttering in his chest and the light up ahead had began to pulsate. He'd started to move ever faster in its direction. For a little while he'd felt he was on another ride, and he'd imagined he was riding a rainbow and that at his journeys end he'd find... yes he'd been letting his imagination run away with him again! It was just so easy to do in here, he had a seemingly endless blank canvass to paint his dreams and wishes on. Only he hadn't reached the end of the rainbow... he'd just started to slow down, to come to a sudden and disappointing stop.

The light was much brighter now though, and he knew he was nearly there, that he didn't have much further to go, but he wasn't moving, not in any direction, not any more.

He hadn't heard the voices in a while but he knew they were out there somewhere, on the other side of the dark veil that separated them. He knew that they were still watching over him, he could sense their eyes on him, sense their tears. But it wasn't their tears that was holding him here, not any more. He knew whatever was stopping him from reaching the light, it wouldn't do so for long, that soon he'd be given a choice, to stay or to let go... to live or to die?

He know knew he was supposed to spend this time in the stillness deciding, so that when the time came his decision would be made. But he didn't need time, he knew what he wanted, he just wished... he just wished his decision wasn't going to hurt the people he loved. When he started thinking about them he'd start to question his decision, but not for long, he'd turn his thoughts elsewhere, to Jackson, to how much he loved him and to just how much he missed him. He would almost forget about Paddy and his mum then, almost but not completely... his thoughts would eventually wander back to them, to the unconditional love they had for him.

He wanted this over for them too... but then it wouldn't be over for them if he... it would never be over for them! He had to stop this! He had to stop thinking about them, as selfish as it might be this wasn't about them, it was about him, what he wanted, what he needed, and he wanted, needed Jackson.

/

This morning the doctors had spoken to them about switching the life support machine off. It had been keeping Aaron alive for days now but they'd told them they couldn't let it do so indefinitely. Paddy had been right, he knew this time would come, but even so he wasn't ready for it. Chas had become hysterical and he'd had to hold her, try to soothe her, his shirt soaking up her endless tears.

They'd gone back to Aaron's room then, all eyes again drawn to his pale face. Despite the technology surrounding him, despite his pallor, he looked at peace, trouble free, grief free. If he was to wake up, if he was to come back to them, he would again know pain, he would again know sorrow. Maybe it was all too much for him; maybe it was all too much for him to bear.

His head told him that letting Aaron go was the wrong thing to do but his heart didn't agree even though it would break on doing so.

Hours they'd sat there deciding, long into the night and into the next day, then dawn had come and with the sunlight a heartbreaking decision. They would call in Aaron's family and friends and when everyone had said their goodbyes... he would be the one to end Aaron's life.

/

It was late into the evening now; the sun was setting, sinking slowly behind the distant hills. It seemed apt somehow, that the light of something else so very precious was fading too.

The time had finally come, they were ready... no not ready just resigned to what was going to happen, to what he had to do.

Paddy could hear sobbing; the room already filled with grief. How were they going to get through this? How was he going to get through this?

His hands had been trembling, shaking uncontrollably, but somehow he had done what was necessary. A nurse had then removed the breathing tube... it was up to Aaron now! Did he start breathing on his own or did he do what the doctors were expecting him to do, peacefully slip away?

"Aaron please, please son!" The words had tumbled desperately off his lips; he couldn't let his boy go without a fight. "Come back to us please."

/

It was time, and he had thought himself ready for when it came, but he realised now that he wasn't. He was unsure, he had doubts and he was suddenly scared. He hadn't been scared here before but now he was. He knew he had to get this right, that he had to do the right thing... but could he?

There were two lights now!

The bright light ahead of him was pulsating again, he realised now that it wasn't actually calling to him, just that he was drawn to it. Drawn to it because it was warm, forgiving, and accepting. He knew it would heal his broken heart and cleanse his troubled soul and that in the light there was no pain or hate or bitterness or shame... and the love there pure. He knew Jackson was there, he could feel his love... but Jackson wasn't calling out to him and he knew why... he wanted him to go back! Jackson wanted him to live. But he didn't want to live without him, not anymore; it was just too hard, too painful.

The other light... a shimmering array of colours, that was calling to him. There were so many voices calling out to him from that light, and all sorrow laden. Again he could sense their tears... so many tears. His mum's, Paddy's... and Hazel's. He could feel their love for him too, it was reaching out to him, surrounding him, cradling him, ready to carry him home... if he'd let it.

This was so hard! He didn't want to hurt them, he didn't want to cause them any more pain. He wanted their tears to stop falling, for them to be happy, to be able to smile again... but he so desperately wanted to be with Jackson.

Jackson! He knew he was safe, that he was happy, that he was whole again... and that he loved him. He knew that he was within his reach, that he was only a breath away, and that he would always be with him, in his heart. Knowing that he could go back couldn't he? As long as he could hold on to that truth he would be alright, because that truth would be his strength, it would be his courage... and he knew he was going to need both.

He felt something touch his hand, something soft, something unbelievably gentle, and suddenly he knew what he had to do, what he had to say, "Please, I'm not ready to die yet!"

The light swelled and pulsed around him, awesome in its intensity and power and then it was gone, turning his world to black, leaving him in the darkness.

He was suddenly gripped by panic, he didn't know what to do, then he heard it, a voice, a so very familiar voice, a voice that warmed and lifted his heart, Jackson's voice... and he was telling him to "Breathe"

Tears! His tears this time because he knew it would be a lifetime before he heard Jackson's voice again.

/

Paddy watched a tear trickle down Aaron's cheek, was that him saying goodbye to them? "Aaron come on, you can do this, please." Seconds were turning to minutes, it was going on too long, no heartbeat, no intake of life giving air, "Aaron please."

And then when he'd just about given up hope he saw... heard Aaron gasp... a pained panic filled need to expand his lungs, the heart monitor then bursting into life with the sound of a slow regular beat. He was breathing! He was alive! He'd come back to them!

The medical team had sprung into action then, placing an oxygen mask on his face, speeding up the drip, taking blood, doing various other tests, eventually telling them, Aaron was no longer in a coma, just in a deep sleep.

Grief had instantly turned to joy, their pleas and prayers had been answered.

Slowly family and friends had drifted home, leaving just the three of them around Aaron's bed again, waiting for him to open his eyes.

Every now and again the young man would stir, shift position, softly sigh, slowly surfacing from the depths he'd been lost in.

He'd clasped hold of Aaron's hand one such time, squeezing it gently, letting him know he was there. That's when he'd noticed he was holding something, that there was something nestling in the palm of his hand, he'd gently prised the young man's fingers open, surprised by what he found there. Where on earth had the soft, white, perfectly formed feather come from?

He'd had to wait a few hours for the answer, and for a while he'd dismissed it, put it down to Aaron being confused, the doctors said he probably would be when he first woke up. But the more he thought about it, the more he pondered on life's mysteries he realised it just might be true...when Aaron had finally opened his eyes, a tearful Chas had teasingly asked him where he'd been all this time, Aaron had smiled and weakly whispered, "Where Angels breathe."

/

It was two in the morning and Aaron was staring out of his bedroom window, up at the cloudless night sky, at one particularly bright star. It reminded him of another place, of another time, and for a little while he was lost in the memory.

This was his first night out of hospital and it felt so good to be home, to have the comfort of his own bed. Still he couldn't sleep... but he supposed he'd been doing a little too much of that lately. He'd been out for ten days, out of the waking world that is, but he vividly remembered his time in the darkness, he remembered everything. The light, the voices, and most of all Jackson's voice. He would never forget hearing his voice, the warmth it contained, the love.

He'd been doing a lot of thinking since waking up in the hospital, his mind so much clearer now than it was before the accident. He'd been so lost without Jackson, so unhappy. It was an effort just to get out of bed in the mornings, everything seemed pointless, he'd stopped looking ahead, he didn't think past the next minute let alone the next day. He didn't think much about anything except Jackson, life had been passing him by.

But he wasn't unhappy anymore, a little sad but not unhappy not like he had been, and when he thought about Jackson now he wanted to smile not cry. Just knowing Jackson was ok had made all the difference, he felt at peace with himself now.

At first he'd wanted to keep all that had happened to himself, and not because he thought everyone would laugh at him, no it was because it meant so much to him. Blessed wasn't a word he'd use normally and certainly not in regards to himself, but it was the only word he could think of to describe how he felt now. The experience... and it was real not imagined, not some dream. not some chemical reaction in his brain... the experience had had a profound effect on him, and he was ready to get on with his life now.

Hazel though, she was still trying to pick up the pieces, and wanting her to know the same kind of peace he now had, he'd told her everything, starting off with how he'd heard her talking to him, what she'd said about Jackson. She'd been taken aback by that but it had made her sit up and take notice, she'd been hanging on his every word, had believed every word, and had found her own peace in his words. He'd wanted to keep the precious white feather for himself too, but he knew Hazel needed it more and so had pressed it into her hand, insisting she be the one to keep it safe.

He'd come out of this so much stronger, so much more prepared for whatever else life would throw at him. Yeah bring it on! He was determined to make Jackson proud of him, he didn't mean by becoming a doctor or a rocket scientist... yeah like that would ever happen! No he just meant by being the man Jackson believed him to be, the man he knew he was inside.

Stifling a yawn he realised he would probably sleep now, so turning around he made his way over to his bed, progress hindered by the fibreglass cast on his foot, he had one on his right arm too which meant he couldn't go back to work just yet, but he was counting the days, eager to get back into the...

Something had just caught his eye! It had him holding his breath, his heart missing a beat, and tears and a smile forming simultaneously... there on his pillow... a white feather.

End


End file.
